Don’t be the ‘Side Chick’ sis…

These days we are losing our values, standards and morals in our society; dating the married has become fun for some single men and women. Chasing after someone’s husband has even become a career for some lazy single ladies out there.

No wonder ‘side-chick’ has become a new name for a husband snatcher. No matter how nice the name may sound, it still sucks, a complete polish on dirt.

No matter how good this might feel, no matter the needs this behavior is meeting in your life, my humble caution to you sis, don’t let how you feel make you forget what you deserve.

If the truth must be told, you deserve a full man and not a half man. A half man because as soon as the fight, conflict or little misunderstanding, which is associated with all marriages, is over in his home, keep in mind that the ‘side chick’ position will be terminated. He will go back to his wife, leading him to always tell you “I am busy”.

Accept the fact that he is not your man, you are only a thief and have no right over him. If you think stealing him is the best option, remember you are not the only person good at stealing. Someone out there is better than you, and the way you got him is the same way you will lose him.

You can’t change or raise a grown man, you can do so to the one you gave birth to or who comes from you. You have nothing to lose if you have to let go. In fact letting go is like restoring the blessing you traded for a curse.

You are still young, beautiful and gorgeous. No matter the sex you give him, he will always leave you for his wife. Whilst you are lonely missing him, he is lying next to his wife who is holding him. Think about that sis.

Always keep in mind that no relationship is problem-free. The fact that he is busy telling you problems in his relationship just to win sympathy love, doesn’t mean things will be super smooth with you two. Even with the woman he knows so much and has lived with for years, he has issues, many more than you that he barely knows?

Don’t make any married man your ATM, your landlord or your boutique, instead work hard and have an ambition to earn your own money, your own place and a car if you want one. Don’t fall in love with “I will divorce her for you”.

Not everyone who shows interest in you automatically qualifies to be with you.

You need to have a standard or else you are “I want anything that wants me”. That is the mark of desperation.

Ask for forgiveness from God, ask for forgiveness for the man too, this will help you to move on with peace in your heart instead of regrets and hatred. In conclusion “A good man has firm footing, but a crook will slip and fall” – Proverbs 10:9.

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚

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Mommy isn’t perfect but I tried…

My sweet sweet, sometimes not so sweet children of mine, I have something you need to know.

I want you to know how hard mommy tries.

I really need you to know that. More than anything. I know I haven’t been perfect, I know I’ve messed up more times than we can count, know I’ve lost my cool, but in it all, I’ve really really tried.

There are so many nights when I go to bed and I cry myself to sleep.

I think I’ve failed.

I think I’ve let you down. I see the promises I didn’t keep or the things I didn’t do. I see all of that stuff that messed up the perfect plan I had for your childhood. I didn’t want you to have to deal with the heartache of divorce or seeing me work super hard. I just didn’t.

I wanted it to look different.

But despite all of that, I try.

It’s such a hard try. I tried the day the first one of you came home and I looked at your scrunched up little face not having a clue what to do next. And just because I didn’t have a clue didn’t mean I stayed there. I tried. I figured out how to feed you and change you all. I figured out bedtime and snack time. I figured out the doctor visits and memorized the doctor’s office number. I learned about preschool and kindergarten and elementary school.

Just because I never knew what to do didn’t mean I stopped.

I kept going.

Making birthday cake after birthday cake, wrapping present after present, paying bill after bill, and saying prayer after prayer.

Because more than anything, my trying is from this deep love I have for all of you.

I’m never going to be perfect. And neither are you. I’m so glad you got to see me stumble so much, because in every single stumble you didn’t see me stay stuck, you saw me try again. You saw mommy show up in those moments.

We tried.

Despite our messes we created a story, a family, an adventure. Your childhood.

It might never look like a fairytale, but oh my word, it is OUR story. I’m so proud to be your mommy. Just beyond proud. There are nights where I look at you sleeping and tears fill my eyes and the despite the slammed doors and late homework and “I hate you” moments all I can feel welling inside is the deep deep love of motherhood.

I love being your imperfect mom.

I’ll never stop trying. Never.

If anything, in all these years, that is what I what you to know.

I tried so hard because I love my babies so much.

I really do.

Thanks for trying with me. Thanks for loving me. Be brave, be bold, love others.

And always try. Just like mommy tried.

Xoxo, your mommy. Heart Of A Belle 💚

Underneath it all…

Underneath it all there is a girl who still doubts herself at times.

Who worries if she’s doing a good job or if she’s a good mom.

Who worries about her kids.

Who looks in the mirror & changes outfits a thousand times.

Who cringes just a bit at the sugary cereals she buys every once in a while for her kids but still does because sometimes they just need that treat.

Who sometimes hides behind the filters on instagram.

Who gets nervous meeting others for fear of what they’ll think.

Who is really really tired most time but will tell all those she meets that she’s just fine.

Who is lonely.

Who loves motherhood most days.

Who is afraid of sharing about the days where she messes up.

Because she does.

Who dances horribly with her kids to too country music but she doesn’t care.

Who straightens things behind the picture before she takes a Instagram picture.

Who looks in the mirror and wonders about the girl staring back.

Who loves a good story and cries at commercials.

Who is a friend.

Who loves the power of dreams.

Who tries to not judge.

Who has the hardest time trusting others.

Maybe because she’s been so hurt.

Who read everything about parenting. And still worries.

Who will sit up all night with her kids.

Who will fight for her kids.

Who understands the crying toddler in the back of Walmart.

Who believes in the power of sisterhood.

Who loves deeply.

Who is thankful for the gift of today.

Who wakes everyday with hope.

Who has been hurt.

Who has cried more tears than she can count

Who dares to love.

Who feels lost at times.

But you might not see that if you saw me.

You might think that I had it all together and worry if I knew about everything underneath your exterior as well.

But chances are…

…it looks a great deal like mine.

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚

Embracing my karma…

I just don’t care.

Are those the right words to say?

To write?

To share?

Are they the words that garner the likes or are the the words that draw out the critics and anger?

Do they ring true?

Are they quitter words?

I really have just decided to not care.

Now, before you freak out and wonder what’s going with me, hear me out.

It’s not like I’m not fighting or being brave or putting on the face of a super warrior mom and woman and single parent and add whatever label you want to me. It’s more like I’ve stopped caring about justice and fighting for things that in the end don’t really matter and it’s just about ego and the price of ego equals a huge loss to self. And in that huge loss to self over things that I thought we as moms were supposed to fight for came this slow erosion of, you guessed it, happiness.

I’ve felt like for the last fews months the world has been destined to shut me down. Like full fledge, in your face, both hands up ready to fight take me out. And the harder things became the more I dug my heels in. Be brave, be strong, don’t give up. That was my rally cry. That is my rally cry. And the more I fight the more I became bitter.

Yeah, just a bit bitter.

Almost like I was expecting the world to dose out the next issue, you know how that is, right? We joke about it all the time.. things come in threes or it could be worse or so forth. And yet, here I am thinking that to be the noble mom means that I had to fight fight fight for everything.

And when things mess up, or kids are kids, or people steal my words (holy moly nightmare) or money is an issue, or I was fighting for child support, or groceries were left out to be spoiled, or back to school meant crazy lists, or relationships had communication issues, or you name it instead of just realizing that’s life I took it on me as the world out to get me. So I’d go to bed weary and instead of waking hopeful I’d wake up with my boxing gloves on ready to fend off what I was sure to be the next thing thrown at me in life.

Until now.

I don’t know how it hit me.

But I’m just kind of surrendering to the karma in my life.

And instead of wondering why all the hard stuff is happening I’ll just expect it as part of life and be chill with it and will instead do exactly what this blog is about.. finding myself in a whole bunch of other stuff that got blanketed in my mind with a cloak of hard moments.

So that’s it. Nothing super profound.

Maybe you’re just wandering around feeling like you’ve been dealt a bad hand like myself. I get it. Maybe you’re wondering when you’ll get a break. I get it. Maybe life is hard and you feel alone. I get it. Maybe you just want to be able to breathe without worry. I get it. Maybe just maybe. I get it sis!!!

But you know what? Put the gloves down.

Fight the right fight with me.

The fight in seeing the good and being grateful and not being shocked when the hard stuff happens but knowing that God will get you through it.

The fight for our hearts.

That’s what I’m telling myself today as I sit here on the couch writing this.

I’m tired of fighting for the wrong thing. I’m not a victim. You’re not a victim. We only are when we expect the hard times to keep happening and to feel lost and misunderstood. You’re a winner. Worthy. Beautiful. Enough.

Yes, enough sis.

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚

I’ll always have my happiness…

Single mothers, we’re supposed to be amongst the strongest and most independent people out there but so many of us live with the fear of being alone for the rest of our lives. Do you live with this fear? Do you feel like because you’re a single mother, no man is ever going to want to get involved with you and your “baggage”?

Someone told me that women like me feel like we’re “running out of time” and we need to hurry and find a relationship. This statement literally made me so angry that it brought me to tears. Why? How could one person’s ignorance anger me so much? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Their ignorance actually had some truth to it and it had struck a very vulnerable nerve in me. Their ignorance also encouraged me to bring this fear out from its dark corner and shed some light on it.

I spent 4 years trying to convince myself that I had found the person I’d be with for the rest of my life. I wasn’t alone and I would always have this person to be there for me. I had someone to wake up to in the morning and come home to at night yet it was in these 4 years that I was more alone and scared than I’d ever been in my entire life! I wasn’t alone yet I wasn’t me.

To keep this person with me, I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I had to stay at home and be a housewife when secretly, I wanted to work, go back to school, and learn more about people. I had to quit “wasting time trying to be a writer” and find a “more productive hobby” when really there was nothing more productive to me than finding the words to touch others’ lives. I had to keep my hair long when I so badly wanted to cut if off out of curiosity and I had to never ever go outside in leggings when sometimes I was so tired that I didn’t really care what I looked like to everyone else.  Every day I was denying the woman that I really am so that I didn’t have to be alone and every day I felt a small piece of me disappear. My biggest fear then was that one day I would no longer be pretending to be someone else. One day the little girl who was so emotionally sensitive that her heart would easily break for others who had grown into a woman whose biggest passion in life is to help others would no longer exist. That I could become someone I’m not just to keep from being alone scared me more than actually being alone did.

Fear is just an illusion.  Fear is a manifestation, an illusion of the mind that can hold you back from reaching your potential. The word fear itself brings about negative reactions when spoken so let’s change the word fear to something more enabling like acknowledgement.

Why?

Because there are two ways you can deal with fear. You can feel it as something that lurks in the dark corners of your life and has power over you or you can acknowledge it as something that makes you vulnerable. Being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. It’s what allows you to feel and to relate to others. It’s part of what makes you who you are. Just as my acknowledgements of what makes me vulnerable as a single mom dating allows me to relate and write to all of you Belles. When you look at it this way, it empowers you.

You aren’t alone. Most of you reading this are single mothers, which means you have children and this means you’re not alone! Your children will always love you unconditionally just as you love them. They will always be there for you and they will always be your biggest reason for living. It’s easy to get caught up in our hopeless romantic daydreams of finding the perfect man who will never leave our sides but on the days when I can’t seem to find hope and I feel as though I’m completely alone, I remember that there’s a little boy and 3 little girls who will never stop needing me. That’s all I need to remember and the rest of the world could fade away for all I care.

One of the biggest reasons I left my marriage was because I couldn’t be myself.

There’s only one of you and no one else is like you but that’s what makes you beautiful and unique. You are the only one who has the ability to be your child(ren)’s mother. You are the only who can give to the world what you can give. Don’t ever try to be someone else to win love and security because if you have to be someone you’re not, you’ll live a life much lonelier than one where you’re true to yourself regardless if you find someone else or not.

Never settle! The reason 54% of marriages end up in divorce is because people settle for much less than what makes them happy. They aren’t true to themselves and they are more concerned with finding a functional partnership than a nurturing and lifelong growing relationship. Believe me, I’ve been there! I was so worried about raising my children on my own that when my ex-husband told me he wanted to get married now that I was pregnant; I saw it as the beginning of a fairy tale life. But I wasn’t truly happy. My fear of being a single mother and doing it on my own far exceeded my desire to be happy. It took me 4 years to learn that settling for cheap security in the form of a ring and marriage agreement wasn’t good enough for me. Do not be so afraid of being alone that you settle for someone who doesn’t love you for who you are or for someone you don’t truly love. Remember, your fear is something that can empower you and bring you true happiness. It’s better to be alone and happy than married and miserable.

So what did I say to the person who placed me in the cheap stereotype of the older (I’m 27) single mom who’s in a hurry to secure a relationship? If I was that concerned with “running out of time”, I’d still be married but I’m not because my happiness is more important to me than being alone. So if I end up being “alone” for the rest of my life, it’s because I never settled for anything less than what I deserve. Right now, I’m completely single or as so many say “alone” but I’m happy! I wake up in the morning and I remind myself of what I do have and not what I don’t have and what I do have is all I’ll ever need to be happy so if I never find a man to share it with at least I’ll always have my happiness….

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚

Dear Ex, Meet the new me :)

It’s funny how life teaches you lessons if you’re open enough to learn. Lately my ex’s have been trying to sneak their way back into my life one by one. It’s like they could sense that I’ve finally moved on and they all got together and tried to come up with a plan to reel me back in. Unfortunately for them I’m too far gone now. But it’s not because I’m angry or because I’ve met someone else.

I can name about 3 exes that not too long ago I would’ve run back to in a heartbeat. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I fall hard and I trust easily and while that is something about me that I love, it used to make getting over someone I love pretty hard. So I kept running back every time one of these guys would beckon me and it was a ridiculous game I played but not anymore.

The other night as I lay in bed about to fall asleep my phone lit up with a text.  Curious I picked it up to see who it was and it was one of them. A guy I had dated for a while on and off and I was totally crazy over him! It had been about a year since I had talked to him and he was with someone else. I laid there in the dark staring at the ceiling with my cell phone pressed between my hands. I tried to reason with myself that he was just being friendly and wanted to see how I’m doing but who was I kidding! He’d never treated me as just a friend and it was the middle of the night. I knew this wasn’t a simple friendly text but I still laid there feeling unsure about what to do. That’s when my thoughts somehow drifted off to a mental picture of me. I have a beautiful life and I gave it to myself because I love myself. A little voice in my head chimed in and said “I choose me”. So I put my phone down and decided from that moment on there was no going back. No more re visiting my past because I’m no longer that woman. I’m happy now and from now on I’m choosing me.

It’s pretty common for an ex to come back but before you take him back you have to ask yourself two questions. What is it that you want in a relationship now? Through every relationship we learn a little more about what we want and you have to keep up with that. There’s never anything good that you don’t deserve so don’t feel guilty about wanting certain qualities in someone. And if you don’t know what you want, that’s okay too because I bet you can at least name what you don’t want. As for the second question, did your ex meet these qualities when you were with him (or her)? Were you happy with your ex? Maybe they have changed but you can’t bank on that. Not even if they swear up and down that they’re different now. People don’t change for other people. They can only change for themselves and it’s not up to you to find out if they’ve changed or not.

So…. If you know what it is you want or at least what you don’t want and you know without a doubt in your heart that your ex was back then what you want now, then maybe it’s time to give them another chance but not until you read my next point…

Every day we become someone new. You aren’t the person you were yesterday but all too often we get stuck in the past because we’re afraid to trust ourselves to move into the new and wiser person we are today. But no matter how hard you try, you cannot be the person you were yesterday. And why would you want to be anyway because whether or not you believe it, life has caused you to become a more beautiful version of yourself today. Be that person and embrace your new place in life. Choose yourself here and now without looking back and don’t try to be the person you were yesterday to be with your ex. If it’s the old you that they are wanting, then you need to move on. Anyone who deserves to be with you will come to where you are and they will cherish the growing and expanding being that you are. They will never expect you to go backwards. So if your ex can be with you and love you for the person you are now and the new person you will be tomorrow then I’m happy to say he just might be worth it.

So one by one, I’m telling them that I’ve moved on and one by one my heart is feeling lighter and more free and it’s not that I’m telling them they can never win me back. But I’m choosing me first from now on and any man who wants me in his life will have to meet me where I am now. I’m on cloud nine and there’s no going back for me…ever.

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚

40 “Get to know me” questions!!

1. What’s your philosophy in life?

-One day everything will make sense.

2. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?

-I would love to gain more courage. Not that I’m not a courageous person but I do hold back a bit out of fear of what if..

3. Are you religious or spiritual?

-I’m definitely a religious person. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior!!

4. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

-I’m kind of both depending on the setting I’m in but normally I’m a loud mouth extrovert!

5. Which parent are you closer to and why?

-I’m closer to my dad. I always felt like my mom didn’t/doesn’t love her kids. It’s as if she just put up with us because it’s what a mother does. She’s does talk to me unless I talk to her which isn’t right. But my dad calls me multiple times a day just about everyday.

6. What was the best phase in your life?

-My hoe phase! It was so much fun! Although sexually I’ve never actual been a hoe. I’m more of a conversation hoe. I don’t actually like just having sex with random men.

7. What was the worst phase in your life?

-Going through my divorce and moving states with 3 kids all alone.

8. Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up?

-No, but it pays the bills. My dreams will still be accomplished in due time. My dream is to be a history teacher and football coach!!

9. What makes you feel accomplished?

-Helping someone in need.

10. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?

-Favorite movie: Steel Magnolias, is about a group of southern women comforting each other through the highs and lows.

Favorite book: Of Mice and Men, it was about 2 best friends. One of the friends was mentally ill and the other friend had to kill him.

11. What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

-Smoking. Drugs(Yes, weed is a drug). Cheating. Not having a taxable income. Dred locs.

12. Are you more into looks or brains?

-I’m more into knowledge but I do have to somewhat be attracted to you.

13. Would you ever take back someone who cheated?

-I have in the past but I wouldn’t do it again. If you cheat that just means I wasn’t enough for you and why should I stay if I’m not enough?

14. How do you feel about sharing your phone password with your partner?

-I don’t keep a password on my phone because I have nothing to hide. Free access to whatever they want to know.

15. When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

-When he/she starts thinking from a “we” point of view and not a “me” point of view.

16. What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner?

-It’s not my parents decision. They would just have to deal with it.

17. Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything?

-My best friends Farrah and Kaitlynn.

18. Do you usually stay friends with your exes?

-Not generally. Never had a relationship end well.

19. Have you ever lost someone close to you?

-Yes.

20. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?

-I prefer to be left alone.

21. What’s an ideal weekend for you?

-Watching YouTube with all my favorite snacks with a beautiful thunderstorm storm outside brewing.

22. What do you think of best friends of the opposite sex?

-I’m okay with it but it has never worked out for.

23. Are you confrontational?

-I’m not but if provoked than yes.

24. When was the last time you broke someone’s heart?

-April 21, 2018. I broke up with him because it was selfish of me to be with him when I knew I didn’t want anymore children and he wanted desperately to be a father.

25. Would you relocate for love?

-Not unless we were married.

26. What are you most thankful for?

-That I’m still alive today. It’s crazy to say but very true.

27. Do you believe in second chances?

-No, I don’t. When I say no, I mean NO.

28. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?

-My way of thinking.

29. What is your idea of a perfect vacation?

-A cold destination just cuddling and bonding.

30. What did your past relationships teach you?

-Not to settle because of convenience.

31. What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder?

-I actually met my ex husband through Instagram! And I had a tinder but I just couldn’t vibe with it, I just deleted it all together.

32. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?

-Delivering 2 kids in the bathroom & Skydiving!!

33. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and would you do it again?

-Nope.

34. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now, what would you wish for?

-Wealth but only enough to live comfortably for the rest of my life. Unconditional true love. And unlimited happiness.

35. What’s your biggest regret in life?

-Giving too much of myself to people who didn’t deserve it.

36. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?

-Being over 35 saying to myself “How you been in the game this long and still ain’t got shit?”.

37. Do you usually find yourself restless when there’s nothing to do or relaxed and content?

-Yes but only because I function better in chaos.

38. To you, is it worse to be scatterbrained or stuck in your ways?

-I’m pretty much both but I’d rather say scatterbrained because people who are stuck in their ways are just that stuck. They won’t change.

39. What is your happiest moment in life?

-Giving birth to my babies.

40. What are you completely over and done with at this point?

-Dating for a very long time.

Single & Happy? Or Just heartbroken?

People are often confused by the statement, “I’m single, and I’m okay with that.” Most people usually hear this and assume one of two things: either the person just went through a breakup and still has their walls up, or they don’t want a relationship for some other reason. Both of these assumptions suggest that the person making the statement does not want a relationship. But why do we think this? After all, the person didn’t say “I’m single and not looking for anything right now.” They simply stated that they are happy with where they are.

Arguably, this should be the place that all single people would want to find themselves in because if you are only looking for a relationship because you’re unhappy being single, being single is actually the least of your worries. Nobody wants to be in a relationship that feels forced or out of desperation, just as nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t ready for one.

So, you should be able to say that you’re okay with being single before you enter your next relationship. It shows that you are truly ready to move on and are in the right head space to let someone new into your life. And once we start internalizing this idea, perhaps we will be less quick to assume that anyone who states they are okay with being single is completely against relationships.

Most people who are content with being single would also love to be in a relationship, it’s just not something they need. I personally don’t feel like I need to be in a relationship right now, but I also sure wouldn’t mind loving someone with every ounce of my being. If that man were to come along, I’d have no reason not to dive into that relationship.

So, instead of assuming the worst when someone claims to be single and happy, maybe we should start seeing that as an open door. Instead of asking why that person is single or assuming that they don’t want a relationship, maybe we should start asking what the things are that allow them to remain happy without being in a relationship.

After all, it’s amazing how much more you can learn about someone when you avoid assumptions and find the right questions to ask.

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 🖤

Love pentagon!?!?

First off, I’ll start off by saying that all the names I mention are fake to protect the identities of everyone and so I won’t get sued.

But here is a little backstory to how it all began.

I met Joshua on Superbowl Sunday on February 5, 2017 when he checked out at my register. Never in my life had I ever experienced that kind of nervousness while talking to a customer or any other man. He was so fine y’all.

It was just something about that man.

First thing I noticed was that he wasn’t wearing ring. That was my que but those damn nerves wouldn’t go away and he slipped right through my fingers.

All I talked about was this fine ass customer and I just had to see again for the next few days.

I guess God.. or Satan heard my words because on February 8th, there he was again!! But only I wasn’t on the clock. My hair was in a mess bun, no makeup on, dressed in sweats and a tee shirt, shopping for wine with my equally just as ugly friend.

Me and Shannon spotted our girl Maggie over at Customer Service who was just starting her break and decided to walk and talk with us.

As we’re walking I spotted guy named Thomas I was trying to ghost at that time and we quickly all bust a u turn running the other direction from Thomas. Not paying attention while running, I run smack into Joshua.

Like a fairytale.. he caught me with arms wide open.

I looked up and I swear I fainted for a split second.

There he was!! My fine ass customer without a ring again!!

My booooyfriend(In my head)!!

The nerves came back but only that time I could actually speak.

We started talking and laughing. I had him hooked by then but I didn’t think to get his number. But my girls looking out for me got the number.

I texted him and we talked for a few days until he found out my age. He wasn’t having it that I was 26 and he was 38. He stopped talking to me.

Until… Valentine’s Day. It was fate. It was my off day but a friend asked me to work for her that day.

I must’ve been looking damn good that day because he saw me and definitely came back for a re-do.

We quickly reconnected.

Fast forward to the best part.. SEX!!

BEST SEX OF MY LIFE!! That should’ve been my que to ran but he had my ass dickmatized. That devil dick was too good – Run from men like that Belles. (LoL)

Anyways back on topic..

We already talked about him being separated from his wife and I was okay with that seeing that I was going through a crazy divorce too. But what he didn’t share with me was all the details of his life. And who his wife was/the role she played in my life as well.

One night we’re just laying in bed talking about our spouses and he mentioned her name. He mentioned that she was a nurse, and that she was pregnant but it wasn’t by him. However he never mentioned where she worked at on post. But me being all dickmatized.. didn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together.

About a month goes by of us having spontaneous unprotected sex so I decided to get tested for std’s or pregnancy.

And a black pregnant nurse walks into the exam room to take my vitals.

**Me still not thinking..

Starts talking to her.. She starts telling me about her pregnancy and her divorce but she doesn’t want a divorce because she loves her husband. But she “thinks” he’s in love with someone new.

**Me still not thinking..

So the doctor walks into the room to do my pap and the nurse offers to hold my hand. As she’s standing next to me and the doctor is deep in my vagina. I catch a glimpse of her name tag.

**IT FINALLY HITS ME** She’s Shayla!! Joshua’s wife!! The nurse to my doctor and nurse to my kids doctor!!

That was the fastest I’ve ever gotten out of that building.

Immediately called him. But he couldn’t come talk because he was moving.

*In my mind, I’m like damn again*

He comes over to my house that night. And we have this huge argument about him lying to me about her being pregnant by him.

**He wasn’t lying.. had the DNA test results**

Then he starts to tell me everything..

How this was her 3rd time getting pregnant by someone in the 12 years that they were married. She had 2 miscarriages before but they decided to work it out and she promised not to cheat again.

So I started getting curious about this sudden move again. And he starts telling me that he’s moving back into the home that they shared on post to be closer to his kids and work.

*confused me*

Doesn’t her boyfriend/baby daddy and his daughter live there too!?!?!! He says yes but we’re all going to make it work. I say okay and that’s that.

Fast forward a month or two later… Shayla who still doesn’t know who I am but knows her husband is dating someone. Comes into the PX to my register. She’s complimenting me on my beauty and my braids.

*petty Latifah* Gives her the lady number who did my hair.

She must’ve loved my personality because she went home raving about the beautiful cashier at the PX. Hours later, I get a text message telling me that Shayla was talking about me. Asking him to get her hair done by my braid lady. Which caused a big argument in their “love triangle”.. that revealed me as Joshua’s lover and making it a “love square” now.

After all that drama.. I walked away from them and that drama… At least I thought I did!(See previous blog post (https://heartofabelle.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/to-joshua/)

Weeks later I found out I was pregnant and was having a miscarriage all in the same night.

I told no one but my ex husband. *Surpising right*

**Anyway long story short to the 5th person making it a pentagon**

I get divorced and hop on a plane to Texas. Meet a great man and as were getting to know each other, he tells me he is from Houston and he has family at Fort Carson. His pregnant sister, her husband, and their 2 kids.

*See where this story is going*

So I follow him on Instagram to be nosey.. inquiring about this potential sister in law.

Y’all his damn sister is Shayla and Joshua is his brother in law.

I blocked him with the quickness and never talk to his ass ever again!!

That’s the story about my “Love pentagon”

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚

Growth…

A lot of people look at me and they see a strong willed, put together, independent young woman. But there is one secret those people do not know: I have spent the last 28 years of my life creating this illusion and desperately trying to keep up with it.

I wasn’t always this girl. I used to be in a really dark place, and sometimes I still am.

There have been times in my life where nothing made sense. Nothing felt okay.

There were times when I was not okay.

When I look back on who I was just a few short years ago, compared to who I am today, I realize just how bad things had gotten at one point. My life hasn’t always been bad looking in from the outside, but internally I was deteriorating.

I was drowning and no one else could save me, not even myself.

I was killing myself, but not in a literal sense. I was killing myself on the inside. I was depriving myself of things I needed to survive, the most important being self love.

I allowed people into my life who destroyed me, who tore apart my self-confidence and my ability to believe in myself. I allowed people to treat me like shit. I allowed others to hurt me, but more importantly, I was allowing me to hurt myself.

And I made excuses for everyone, including myself.

No one could love me because I was unlovable.

No one could care about me because I was unworthy.

Everyone who had hurt me had been right, because in the end, I wasn’t good enough.

For years this was the narrative that played out in my head. These were the things I thought about others. These were the things I thought about myself. And I continued to compare myself to others. I told myself that I deserved the awful things I allowed people to do to me, and in return, I treated myself awfully.

I struggled with addiction, whether it was controlling what I ate, or self-harming, or drinking. There were days when I just wanted it all to go away. Sometimes I begged God to end it all because I thought things would always be this way.

Then one day I realized that it wasn’t other people who were making me feel this way. I was allowing myself to feel this way.

I let other people control me, for years. I let the actions of others dictate my self-worth and how I viewed the world. Instead of seeing all the things I should love about myself, I chose to see all the things I hated about myself.

Instead of recognizing all the accomplishments I made and struggles I had overcome, I dwelled on the things I had failed at. I looked for any reason to justify why I wasn’t good enough, instead of believing in all the reasons why I was.

And for a long time, I hated myself for this. Because I knew I was allowing myself to crumble, to fall deeper and deeper into a hole I never thought I would get out of. But one day I woke up and decided that I was right all along- I didn’t want to exist.

I wanted to live.

It’s easy to get lost in the what-ifs and should-haves of life. I could easily regret my past for the rest of my life and the person that I was. But I refuse to let myself dwell on the past anymore. I am not ashamed of who I was, because I am proud of who I have become.

I am grateful that I went through some of the hardest and darkest times of my life, because it was in those times that I learned how to be my own light.

And I have never shined brighter.

I don’t need anyone else to carry me through the hardships, because I push myself. I don’t rely on others for happiness and acceptance, because I have found it within myself. Losing everything I had was not the easiest journey, but I gained more than I could have ever asked for in the end. It tested me in ways that I could have never imaged and showed that I was stronger than I could have ever been.

No, I don’t love everything about myself. I still struggle sometimes, whether it be with appearance, my makeup, my weaknesses, and etc. But it has been through my hardships that I have learned to love myself in spite of all those things.

This not only changed my life for the better, it made me who I am today. Standing on the other side of the mountain, I can finally that it was loving myself that saved me.

Xoxo, Heart Of A Belle 💚